


Twelve Seconds

by Shay_Nioum



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Deceit, Logan angst, Logan-centric, Other, anxiety attack, emotional breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 14:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15887475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shay_Nioum/pseuds/Shay_Nioum
Summary: All he needs is twelve second, just twelve seconds and he’ll be alright again. Twelve seconds, and then he can live the lie.





	Twelve Seconds

Logan was tired. 

Staring at his reflection in the mirror as he set his glasses on the side of the sink, he could accurately see the lines of exhaustion that had become etched into his face more and more as time went on. Now that he wasn’t around the others the bottomless empty look of just weariness shone in his dark almond colored eyes. He looked tired, more tired than he had been letting on in the past weeks...no months if he was being completely honest.

A slight smile there, and the words “I’m fine.” Were parroted back to Roman when the fanciful side asked him if he was getting enough sleep with their current schedule, and with how many ideas Roman had been coming up with day in and day out. “I’m fine.” He had told Roman, closing.. No squeezing his eyes and smiling as if he truly believed it, the subject had been dropped as the creative side flashed him a smile as well. The warmth on Roman’s face made the lie well worth it, even if it soured his tongue.

“Good Specs, we need you.” He’d felt Roman’s fingers messing his hair up before the other walked away, they needed him..they needed him..Roman needed him.

Another smile was given, as the words “I’m fine.” Poured from his lips like a thick black sludge. He looked up to Patton as he said those two damning words, the moral side’s expression shifting from worry to happiness once he said them. Perhaps it was all too easy to believe it from him, the one who claimed to have nothing to do with emotions and the one who claimed that he was more numb than anything else. Why wouldn’t he be alright? Everything he did was perfect, unless it wasn’t.

“I’m glad,” Patton had smiled to him, that special smile he’d only ever seen Patton give to Virgil and Roman, that smile that lit up his eyes and face. It was a beautiful smile, “You’re needed Lo-Lo, we need you.” They needed him..they needed him..they needed him...Patton needed him.

“I’m fine,” He told Virgil, as he felt the icy cold hand on his shoulder, stopping him from taking his dinner upstairs yet again.

“Are you sure?” Virgil demanded, the logical side’s smile not working as well as it did on Roman and Patton, but then again, Virgil was always like that, Virgil knew things better than they all did sometimes, Virgil knew him and his quirks better than the anxious side liked to let on sometimes. Something which included these little falsehoods he had been letting slip through the cracks. Virgil’s eyes were dark and serious, while also being worried at the same time, his grip was one that refused to let Logan go until he was absolutely sure.

“I’m fine.” Logan parroted back, this time his smile shifted a little, one of the corners of his smile cracked, but even so, it remained warm as he held his plate with one hand. Reaching over he gingerly patted the top of Virgil’s hand nodding as he did, “I’m fine.” He repeated again, and this time he felt Virgil’s hand slip from his shoulder. Finally releasing him and letting him go, the anxious side’s lips pressed into a thin line and it was obvious that he wasn’t as convinced as the others were. But that hardly mattered, he still believed Logan, somewhat at least.

“Take care of yourself then, we need you.” Virgil sternly replied, his gaze narrowing before he turned away, heading back into the dining room where he’d eat with the rest of their family. Suspecting, but entirely unaware of the weight on Logan’s shoulders as he watched as the purple of Virgil’s patched up hoodie vanished from view. They needed him..they needed him..they needed him...they needed him...Virgil needed him.

_No, they didn’t._

That night he didn’t eat the food he’d brought up to his room, that night he spent countless hours pouring over his work until his head thudded against his desk and his consciousness fled him. That night he didn’t dream, and that night the first of many nights he had cried himself into unconsciousness.

“In twelve seconds I’ll be alright again, in twelve seconds I’ll be okay...in twelve seconds…” Logan coached himself, his body now hunched over the white porcelain sink, his fingers dug into the sides of it gripping it so hard that surely it would shatter and break in his hands. “Twelve..Twelve...Twelve…” He repeated, again and again, his voice cracking each time as his hair hung in front of his eyes, a shudder rolled through his body like an earthquake ripping apart the earth floor resulting in a tsunami of tears. Warm wet tears that cascaded down his face, dripping methodically into the bowl of the sink. He bit his bottom lip, refusing to let a single sound escape him as he allowed himself these twelve seconds of weakness, these twelve seconds of where he let himself go, and told himself the truth.

_Twelve..eleven...ten…_

More and more tears came rushing down. Seemingly endless.

_Nine..eight...seven..six…_

His shoulders quaked, and his forehead thumped against the mirror.

_Five..four..three…_

Logan closed his eyes, blocking out the image of himself, of the weakness..the emotions that he was showing himself in this frozen moment of truth. He wasn’t okay..he wasn’t alright..everything wasn’t-

_Two..one._

With a sudden inhale Logan’s back snapped back into position, as straight as an arrow as he cleared the tears from his face and slid his glasses back on into place. Gone was his red puffy eyes, the salty tear tracks down his cheeks, and the shuddering of his every breath. His twelve seconds were up, he was fine.

“I am fine.” He told the version of himself in the mirror, tightening his tie he took a deep breath. “I am fine.” He said again, this time much more sternly than before, next time there wouldn’t be twelve seconds, next time there would be six and no more. After all, he’d done so well in limiting the amount of time he showed that needless unnecessary emotion. Instead, he stood tall. They needed him. So without a backward glance, he left the confines of the bathroom, and he left his momentary sanctuary of emotions as he traversed down the stairs.

“Lo-Lo!” Patton’s bright beautiful grin earned him a slight quirk of the logical side’s lips. “How are you? Do you wanna help me bake? I’m thinking maaaybe banana bread?” Patton bounced on the balls of his feet, his bright impressionable gaze beaming happily back at Logan.

_They need me. ~~No, they don’t.~~_

“I’m fine,” Logan cooly replied, and without another word he snagged another one of the aprons hanging on the hook by the kitchen door, his other answer obvious.

All while completely unaware of the heterochromic gaze watching him with a look of equal sadness and understanding.

“That’s a lie…” Deceit murmured, regret and anguish twisting inside of him to become one messy ball of emotion inside of his stomach, for he knew, that above all else, there was nothing he could do to help. Not at the rate that Logan was going, there was no stopping it. No matter how much he wished otherwise. And boy did he wish it, he wished it more than anything in the entire world.

Not that he would be listened to.  


End file.
